Surname: Tick
First name: Richard
Age: 46
Height: 1.82 metres
Eyes: Grey
Hair: Glossy brown (with the help of hair dye)

Likes: Playing solitaire; playing golf; good personal hygiene; shouting at people (especially anyone smaller than him); being admired (or, failing that, admiring himself)

Dislikes: Children, children and, erm, more children; getting dirty.

Special skill: Making extremely long speeches – his personal best (as recorded by Alexander) is 10 hours, 4 minutes and 35 seconds, after which he had to rest his voice for a week.